What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 02:43
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Put me off passion for life!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
How do I become mentally strong?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She was in good health!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I never cut or harmed myself..
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I have no regrets .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
My family never makes their pension either.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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(And it was in our own minds.)
When she asked me how she looked .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But it wasn’t much.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He knew the spot.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
This is soul school!.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I will be 64.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But, we were locked up after school.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
It was going to be , some day.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was seconnd youngest,
I was 9 years of age.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Who then, do I blame.?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She found it foreign!.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was very sick at this time too.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We all went to grammer schools
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
All the time i was locked up.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I think the readers, may guess!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She wouldn,t have been !
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So whats the point in blame.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And i lived it daily.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was scared of men, in general
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My life is so biszare .
Was to survive, this bastard.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I waited trembling.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One cannot live in the past .
Im still living with it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Would this be the day?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Comes on , in middle age.
She married twice! .
We were not on the streets..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
What did i know ?
I said to her
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I don,t even have a pension.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Ive learnt so much.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So, i spoilt her more .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I write beautiful poetry .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She loved him until the end.